Member-only story
Hi, this is a story about absolutely nothing.
…ok, that’s just a dramatic title to get your attention (plus, it reminds me of the song Absolutely by Nine Days and I love that one). It is about something, but it’s about feeling nothing, or at least less of something.
It’s about apathy, ambivalence, and maybe…acceptance? As someone who feels all her emotions, and feels a lot of them, this feeling of apathy that I started experiencing was so new to me. It had been years since I felt nothing. And I know, a lot of people have the opposite issue! Which sincerely blows my mind — not that I’m looking down on them, I’m just amazed that people are so different. Anyway, for so long, I would fight against difficult situations (I still do…but I’ve learned to relax). If someone made me angry, I had to let them know. If something annoyed me or if there was an inconvenience of sorts, I got upset, even if it was something totally out of my control (like the printer breaking).
It’s draining and absolutely exhausting to think that the world is against you allllll the damn time. There may be people against you, sure, but there are plenty more who are rooting for you. And learning that it’s ok to have a bad day, but that you’re better off not letting the small things affect you, has made all the difference.
I like to rate my work days as good, or bad, or average, or boring, or whatever else there might be. But lately, I’ve started feeling nothing, being unable to rate my performance or figure out how I felt about it…
