These are the few things I’ve been thinking about lately. It took me 3.5 months of living in this new place to realize why I’ve been so frustrated. I’ve been angry that it seems like other people get to live their best life when I had to leave my favorite place and my (former) favorite person. I’ve been jealous that things haven’t changed for them, that they get to be with someone who loves them, that they get to live in beautiful places.
These are all random, unnamed people I know. Every time I see an Instagram story or Facebook post I just — I get angry.
And I remember going to counseling as a teenager for my anger issues. It was a Christian-based center and all I felt was that it was dumb and a waste and I didn’t realize just what I was putting my parents through. But we talked about how anger is not necessarily an emotion. To me, it’s a physical manifestation of frustration. I could be frustrated that something isn’t working, or that it’s not going the way I want (aka being unfair), or that people don’t understand me.
I’ve been so jealous and angry that I haven’t given much thought to what I have now, to the opportunities that lay before me. It feels a little bit like I’m waiting for the next big thing in life to hit me — and it’s partially because I haven’t been working, so I am waiting for that to start again. But I’ve been waiting instead of just…living my life right now. All that matters is right now. But I’ve been struggling with that concept. I’m frustrated, furious, confused, and forgetful of the fact that appearing busy or content on social media has no bearing on someone’s real life. I am a perfect example of that…I post to stay busy and appear happy.
And I don’t think I’m mad at the people I see on social media. Oh no. It’s just a bittersweet, gut-wrenching feeling for a second, and it passes, but it hurts. Just the idea of someone finding their person, finding a place they like, and feeling like they can finally settle down without worrying about what’s next. It feels so awfully unfair. I have been running myself ragged around the country for school, for work, and knowing every second that I haven’t found the place I want to call home. Or at the very least, the place that felt most like home, is the place with the least amount of jobs and opportunities.
I know I can make an opportunity out of anything…but what I realized is that I need to spread my wings. I need to suffer a little bit, live in fear for a little bit, because I need to grow and toughen up.
I know very deep down that this was the right choice. No, it didn’t feel good, still doesn’t, but it makes the most sense for who I am and who I want to be. One day, I’ll figure it out, but for now — on my way towards peace, joy, and happiness.