“Imagine you are someone’s shadow for a day”.

I thought about who I’d follow around for a day. I thought about who I’d see, what I’d hear, what I’d feel.

But I realized I am often so caught up in my own emotions and thoughts that I don’t pay enough attention to the people around me. I am often just not present. I’m so worried about the emotions I have, the anger, sadness, frustration, excitement that I just forget.

I don’t do this purposely out of selfishness. I’m just so careful guarding myself and trying to be perfect, when no one expects me or needs me to be perfect. But deep down, I am being selfish.

Self-growth…is selfish in a way, but I’m okay with that, because you have to take time to look within and improve. But I’m getting frustrated with myself. See, I spend so much time wondering why I can’t build relationships with people, but it’s because I don’t let them in. I pretend I do by telling them everything about myself…not because I don’t care about them, but because if I tell them everything, I don’t have to wonder if they’ll ask me.

It’s easier because I don’t have to wonder if they care about me. Instead of waiting and giving people chances to talk to me sometimes (obviously I’m bad at shutting up), I say it all in hopes that they’ll care what I have to say, even though most of the time they probably don’t. I say it all because I just don’t trust people enough to care about me. So even in the way I build relationships, I seem to make a lot of it about myself. I’ve learned that intention is important, for sure, but…