Instead of things happening to me, I’m in a space where I have to make things happen.

Let me explain. During the school year I was so insanely busy that all I could do was helplessly let things happen to me. One after another, they would just come at me and I had to react. Sometimes, very poorly. Heh. But ever since Thanksgiving week, I’ve had a whole lot of extra time. Which is extremely weird. Uncomfortable, almost.

It’s great to have a break, but I’ve found myself in this space where absolutely nothing is happening to me and it feels completely and truly awful. I’ve been sleeping late and waking up around noon/1pm, before eating, going to the gym, and then doing absolutely nothing else. And therein lies the issue —during the season, I was so busy that I couldn’t even really have a hobby or I’d be sacrificing a whole lot of sleep. I can’t seem to find a balance — with either no time to have a hobby, or way too much time on my hands, there’s no in-between.

I am…desperately looking for a hobby, but I also know it’s something I can’t pursue for a long time before I’m back at school for one more semester. But that’s okay. So you see, I am now in a place where I get to choose what I want to do. I can do whatever my little heart desires! Now, of course, I’ll be fixing up my resume, writing cover letters, applying to jobs…but besides that! The world is my oyster.

I haven’t been in this space for what feels like a very, very long time. And now I have to “pick” a new hobby…but I haven’t been interested in watching sports for awhile now. I haven’t wanted to go outside on a hike even when I completely had the chances to in the past few weeks. I feel sort of lost. And I also know that it’s totally okay, but I don’t want to be like this for too long. Working out is a hobby to me, of course, but I feel like I need something more. Something that allows me to learn to sit with myself again…where I don’t have to constantly be watching TV, listening to a podcast, or pretending to tune out the difficult voices in my head.

I’ve decided that I should start writing again. My time in Salt Lake City for my internship was one of the best times of my life — so much personal growth, so much writing. I want to do that again. I want to reflect on the things I’ve done, what I’m currently doing, and where I’d like to be. I want to think about things and wish them into my life and make them happen. I want to go into this semester with passion, but more importantly, grit. It’s hard doing research, school, working, and applying for jobs all at the same time. I want to give 100%, but I also want to choose what I give 100% to. That’s the key.

I’ve spent quite a bit more time on my own recently than I would like to, and it has been terrifying. I’d like to get away from that, because who knows what’ll happen in the future. If you find yourself in that space…don’t freak out. It’s normal, it happens to everyone. But hopefully, the discomfort gets you up and moving eventually. It’s been kicking my butt.

So here’s Day 1 of…writing more. I’m going to try for everyday, even when I’m in Pittsburgh with my friends for the New Year. This is not a New Years resolution, this is a declaration of…independence? Yes, I’m sorry I said it too, but it’s the truth.