- How has 2019 been so far?
It’s been a good year. A really, really good year, even with all the busyness of my schedule and the confusion of dealing with my family and friends. I learned how to set boundaries for myself, I learned how wonderful it is to work with people you enjoy, and I learned that the unknown is unknown and that’s all it’s ever going to be. I spent time with people I enjoyed, I learned about loving and losing, I learned that I will always be learning and that it’s okay. I’ve had to truly depend on myself to make work decisions and I am still terribly, awfully nervous about it quite often, but I’m getting there. - What am I learning/unlearning?
I am learning what really increases my anxiety, and I am learning what helps to decrease it. I learned that self-care needs to be active, and it sometimes involves pushing yourself until something clicks. I am unlearning (or attempting to) being overly strict with myself and others, and I am learning how to give people more grace and room to grow and move and be human as well. I’m learning how to open up to people and challenge myself in uncomfortable ways regarding meeting new people and giving them a little more of myself. I’m learning about all the tendencies I have, and I’m learning how to stop feeling overwhelmed by all of that. All of my quirks and goofy moments and personality traits and…it’s all okay. I am unlearning all of my bad habits, or trying to…and trying to replace them with good ones. - What have I let go of that has lightened the load?
I’ve let go of the fact that not everyone will like me (I would still like it, I suppose, but I’ve come to terms). I’ve also had to let go, yet again, of my image of perfection. Whenever I get stressed or tested, I forget that messing up is inevitable, which gets me even more stressed. Not the best cycle whatsoever. I’ve let go of my need to be constantly seen and heard and out there. Mostly because I’ve realized how much of an introvert I really might be. - How have I cared for and nourished myself?
I’ve cared for myself by realizing that I need to do cardio more, whether it’s hiking or treadmill or jogging outside, because my heart health could be better. I’ve cared for myself by eating better, by lifting and being disciplined. And I feel much better. I’ve cared for myself by writing these things and going to therapy and realizing that I need to work on myself. It’s what keeps me going. - What has brought me the most joy? The most challenge?
Can they be the same thing? Haha. The most joy…meeting someone who takes me for who I am, but still challenges me and always, always makes me laugh no matter what is happening. The most challenging part…meeting someone who does exactly all of those things, because I mean, how can you be upset at someone who keeps trying and succeeding in making you laugh? I’ve felt the most joy from just feeling like I’ve found a place I really really belong. - What do I want to cultivate in the second half of 2019?
My muscles…but like, actually. I want to get stronger but overall just be able to carry and handle my weight better. I’ve spent a lot of time overworking myself in the gym, so I’m trying to find a good balance and also recover well. I also want to “cultivate” better relationships with people — instead of sitting at my desk writing these things (just kidding, most of the time I’m sitting here playing Picture Cross on my phone), I can go and talk to coworkers and my athletes. I also want to have better relationships with my friends who are 2,000 miles away. - How can I tend to myself with more compassion?
I can be less hard on myself. I can stop kicking myself for the things that I don’t need to kick myself for. I can laugh at myself more, and not just on the surface, but actually. I can do things right/better the first time instead of having to do them over again (and this doesn’t always mean faster, it just means better). I can give myself some grace, but I can also push myself more than ever. - What might support me in connecting with myself and others?
Other people might support me in this. I’m always willing to connect with myself, but connecting with others has been hard. In efforts to maintain professional relationships at work, I tried hard to hold back, but it actually screwed me up a little. I needed to connect, and I could still do that with boundaries. But I’m an “always or nothing” kinda kid and I struggle with the grey area and the in-between. So I’ve just got to learn to accept that area and roll with it. - What do I want to add and what do I want to release?
I’d like to add lots and lots of joy. I’d also like to add more discipline — even when things are hard and I really don’t want to do something (ex. working out, eating, and of course eating healthy), I want to be able to do it. I’d like to be more in charge of myself and my emotions and be able to control myself better — not control the other stuff in my life, but…me! - What word or intention do I want to carry into the second half of the year?
Being truly open. Not just sharing the really deep parts of my life with people that I tend to enjoy doing for some odd reason, but being more open-minded to the personalities, quirks, tendencies and behaviors of other people. All without judging them or myself. I would like to understand that other people do things differently, and there’s not always a “better” way. Some things are just meant to be different.
I’ve just started going to therapy again. I hope to be much more consistent this time and actually have goals in mind and be able to work towards them. I’ve done it 2–3 times previously, but they have never been consistent and I only started going when I really started struggling…not when I had actual time and energy to work on it. Also — I want to feel ok doing more things by myself again! I was great at that 2 years ago down in Salt Lake. It’s a little scary hiking by myself, for example, but if I pick the right time and an easy hike, it’ll be fine. Today I’m going to go to the community pool…and it will be great. And no, I will not be going off the high dive. Not by myself, anyway.
Here’s to the rest of 2019!
