On Being Different — or maybe just being “yourself”.
I’ve been really diving into stand-up comedy lately. It helps that I am finding people around me who actually know comedians, and comedy, and know how to laugh at stuff — that’s really important to me. But I think the best part is that these comedians tell you it’s okay to be different and weird…to be yourself. They are literally making money off of being themselves and it’s incredible to watch.
I mean, it’s always been “okay” to be yourself, but it’s nice to have reminders sometimes. People don’t explicitly tell you not to do be yourself (though if they do, RUN), but the snide remarks, side glances, and other body language hints tell you a lot. So, again, it’s nice to have the reminders.
Aside from the creative genius required to dream up the wildest premises and punchlines, it’s clear that every comedian has their own style. Some rely on wry, nearly emotionless delivery, some laugh at themselves, and others love to put every emotion out there. There are no rules — well, the only rule is to be funny. But those individual flairs also apply to how people in general should live their lives. Isn’t it much more fun to just allow your quirks and goofiness to exist?
I have always known that I’m eccentric. An odd duck, a weirdo, a goofball, a big dork, you name it. But I always tried to hide it. I tried to hide my emotions, and my true self in fear of people disliking me — I just didn’t want them to think I was weird. Even though I was, and trying to hide it made things worse because I just had no confidence.
But here I am, at age 26, being completely myself, and seeing that I’m able to make friends and attract people just by being myself. It’s an incredibly freeing feeling. I have never laughed so hard, joked around so much, and felt so free to be the way I’ve always wanted to be. And I’m still accepted! And when I say weird, I don’t mean it negatively. I just do things in a rather non-typical, unexpected fashion. I mean that I’m always playing around in the pool like a little kid, I can have a very crude sense of humor, I’m still a massive tomboy at heart…I’m having trouble explaining it, but I definitely get a lot of funny, inquisitive looks for the stuff I choose to do.
In therapy I’ve been working on figuring out why I feel so “different”. Am I self-assigning these qualities to myself and demonizing the idea that it’s not okay to be somewhat unique? My therapist mentioned that we could call it being “exclusive”. Not in a snooty, turned-up-nose sort of way, but in a way that allows you to embrace the little things that set you apart. Now, am I going to blame these feelings of different-ness on being the middle child & having sisters who both were in gifted, skipped grades in math, and have similarly creative minds? Perhaps. That certainly didn’t help. Nor did being bullied at camp as a 12-year-old tomboy, because I wasn’t “girly enough”. I know I talk about these moments a lot because they were pivotal issues for me, but I’m finally starting to accept some truths about that stuff.
I’m not that different from my sisters. I just constantly compared myself and once I found one large difference that grouped them together and set me apart, I think I just kept looking. The truth is that we are all extremely blessed with our own individual talents, and it’s wonderful to be at an age where we can just share being sisters & not worry about much else. For example, I’m clearly the funny, lighthearted one, my little sister has an even curious-er mind than me, and my older sister has this unmatched confidence that she will succeed in life. I love that we can all learn from each other. Though I’ll still make middle-child jokes, I’m much more appreciative of everything I went through with them.
The bullying part — I see now, we were all teenagers. Should they have done it? No, probably not. But could I have misread the entire situation, and was I just overly sensitive as a 6th grader? Yes, very likely. Bullying can still happen as an adult, of course, but I’ve learned that when you question claims that bullies make…it shuts them up real quickly. Also, it can be easy to misread body language and facial expressions, and to just misinterpret words and intentions. I’ve come to realize that instead of jumping to conclusions and victimizing myself, I can take a breath and just…ask! And I’ll either be able to explain myself, or almost fight back by questioning things.
My sister also said something when we were younger that made me think — “I hate when people are different for the sake of being different”. I’m sure it made me wonder if I was doing that, but I’ve finally come to like myself and realize that it’s good to not worry about how different you are. All that matters is being yourself. I know I tend to repeat a lot of these topics, but I haven’t written in awhile, and this is maybe the first time I can ever remember being so…happy. So here we are :)
