First of all, why is it that I can never spell curiosity correctly the first time? Because curious has that extra “u” and it just trips me up every time! Second, is it secondly? Third(ly), I wasn’t asking these questions on purpose in a post about curiosity — it’s a coincidence that I’m that funny.
I had an assignment from my therapist awhile back to ask some people in my life to describe me with 5 words. It was kinda scary, because I was concerned that I was going to get some really boring words (god forbid!), or that I was going to get things that felt so inaccurate — are these people who I consider close to me really seeing me for who I am?
Okay, so it turns out I didn’t need to worry. My best friend of 9 years (it’s horrifying, truly, to realize you started college 9 years ago) told me: caring, independent, excitable, passionate, searching. My mom said: humorous, punctual, determined, responsible, talented in my specialty of medicine.
Sometimes it’s hard to remember how other people see you. It’s so easy to crush yourself and tell yourself that you’re not doing enough, that you’re not smart enough, and a lot of other bad things I’ve said to myself that I don’t even want to mention.
I think that maybe I see myself in all those ways — but I always add on some kind of point to humble myself…but for absolutely no reason. Like, I’m excitable, but I get too excited about stuff & it’s probably annoying & I hate when my voice gets high-pitched. Or, I’m responsible, but I suck at returning my library books & opening my mail on time, & I never clean my car, & I’m just such a mess. Or, I’m caring, but if I’m too far in my own head I’ll completely forget about other people & I just suck.
I think a lot of stuff I’ve written has been about how hard I am on myself, and how tough I make my own life because of these incredibly high expectations I set for myself. I looked back at my goals that my therapist & I set at the start of the year (when we first started working together), and one thing I wrote is really interesting — we discussed how I needed to change my definition of being independent. And how to stop chasing it, because maybe it’s time to start depending on other people.
I don’t really know how these things relate. I just started writing. But hear me out. It would be great if I learned to depend on myself within my capacity, but asked for help outside of my abilities. I’m guilty of being too scared to try things & just wanting to immediately ask for help, and I’ve been combatting that by just sucking it up. But I want to be able to challenge myself to ask questions when I really don’t know the answer, even if I think that I should know the answer.
A huge goal of mine when I started therapy earlier this year was to gain confidence in my professional life when I talk about my research, as well as some confidence in my personal life/finding out who I really am. It’s still a work in progress but I like to think that I’ve made some good strides. I like that I am asking questions & leaving meetings sometimes just feeling dumber than when I first went into them — it hurts, but in a good way. I like that I am speaking more clearly about my research (though I need to continue diving into the literature, which is a struggle currently, which is a story for another time). I like that I am more okay with not everyone liking me. I like that I’m more okay with the fact that I’m not going to make friends with everyone. I like that I’m getting a firmer grasp on my humor & who I want to be.
Phew. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it there — if I was going to be able to only say nice stuff about myself. I think taking some time to write this out has been helpful, so maybe I need to do it more. I’m kinder to myself when I take the time to do this because I have to think through what I’m going to write down. And the hope is that maybe halfway through typing a mean comment about myself, I’ll realize how wrong it is — or how right it is, but that I can still be nicer to myself about it.
I was saying this to my sister earlier — self-growth is not about maximizing your potential every step of the way. Because it’s not entirely possible. On some days you may only be able to give your personal best — and it may not be “as good as” things were the day before, so giving yourself the grace for those days is going to be helpful. Self-growth is first about awareness & recognition & making small, sustainable changes to get you to who you want to be. It’s frustrating sometimes that I can teach my sister or my friends to be kind to themselves but I can’t extend myself the same grace.
So, I don’t know how I’m going to make all of this happen, but I’m sure as hell going to try to be kinder to myself.
