On fear vs. value based decisions: what, how, and why they’re both valid.

One of the things I struggle with the most is just making decisions. I worry about being right or smart. I worry about being ridiculed, judged, or screwed because of them. I look so far in the future that I ball myself up and shut down. Or I look to the very second after I make a decision and worry about it. It’s awful.

Something I’ve been challenged with lately is to decide what I want to do and just do it. For some reason, in the past I couldn’t just make myself take the step. But when your therapist says it so simply and easily, it makes so much sense. It became easier for me to be brave and honest with myself and others. Sometimes you just need other people to remind you that it’s okay to be yourself, you know?

Even more recently we started talking about the “why” of the decisions I make. I’ve always said I want to have reasons behind the things I do. It’s been a hard and fast rule as of late. I’m so hard on myself about it. But it’s one of my values. Which leads me to the whole point of this. Technically, there’s always a reason you do something. But is it out of fear of a specific outcome or a current emotion, or is it because it aligns with my values?

And of course it feels much more noble to say that everything you do is because of your values. How moral! How upstanding! How wonderful. Now, the only person who knows why you did something is you. You can sit there and explain your butt off to someone about how you were terrified of an outcome so you made a snappy decision, and try your best to look sheepish and make excuses, but they may not care. You can logic your way into (or out of?) a decision, and give all the facts, but if they don’t come with an open mind, they may not care. (I’m getting better at not caring, but my own experience shows me that I still struggle with this. So I’ve written it here).

But when you can look yourself in the eyes and know your reasons, and know that they’re valid — that changes things. When you put things into your own hands, and you take control of that power, you get to sit with your decision and just hangout with it. It starts to get easier to make decisions. It begins to be a fun challenge to step out of your box and explore things. It shows you that you don’t need a hard and fast rule to do everything perfectly. I’ve learned that my only hard and fast rule is to let myself make mistakes. And…you can’t make mistakes that you can learn from if you don’t make decisions.

This was short. But it was sweet and just what I needed. Was it because I haven’t written anything in the entirety of September? I mean, ok, yeah, maybe a little. Or maybe a lot. But the month of September has been TOUGH (maybe if I had written more, it wouldn’t have been that awful). I’ve been faced with making decisions that I know are looming, but are not quite here yet. And isn’t that the worst?

I graduate in 8 months, and I have no gosh darn idea what my future holds…where I’m going to move to, if I’m going to try and pursue more school, or what. If I’m ever going to make friends again, if I’m ever going to be happy again. Ha, ok, a little bit dark. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s hard when you are afraid to sleep because you worry that your worries will keep you from sleeping. So I write, even if it’s just to myself.