I’ve had this blog for almost…6 years now and I think I’ve spent a good amount of time writing things about myself that may have appeared self-deprecating, or maybe they actually were. But I’ve been really, really tough on myself and I’m finally starting to turn the corner. I mean, I’ll still be hard on myself, but I’m more gracious towards myself than I’ve ever been, because I’m finally figuring myself out. I think, at least. I’m finally understanding what I like and don’t like, the type of friends I want to have, and the environments I want to be in. I’ve always looked inwardly…but it’s time to look more at the way I interact with the world.
Isn’t having boundaries and standards just…standard? Isn’t that what everyone does? Yes, probably, so I can see why the title is a little bit…almost embarrassing? But this is about actually identifying those boundaries and standards and being able to name them. I think as people we can probably easily understand wanting to be around people who make you feel good and avoiding people who make you feel bad (when you have a choice, at least). Easy, simple, done. But as we get older I think we need to get more specific. The older you get, it seems like the less time you have to choose exactly what you want. For me, I want kids and a family — that will definitely take away from “me” time, so I want to do things wisely and do things that give me joy. And again, everything here is based on when you have a choice.
Having standards for friends and relationships is pretty simple. There are probably things that are deal-breakers, and I won’t name them, because that’s really not necessary. But people say the 5 people closest to you say the most about you (but in a more eloquent way, of course). Those would be first people I texted when I found out my manuscript got accepted for publication probably say enough — all people who are always working to get better, and people who are caring and good listeners and will be there for me (and I for them). And they’re people I can trust, which is huge, meaning I’ve gotten confirmation from them multiple times that I can count on them, even if it wasn’t explicitly stated.
Maybe the key is that I crave consistency. I can trust anyone once, but being able to rely on someone more than that is tough for me because I tend to expect the worst but hope for the best from people so that I’m emotionally prepared. Which is not the best thing to do, but that’s how I’ve wired myself (I’m working on it, of course). I even crave consistency in personality, meaning — I do really well with people who act similarly online/text as they do in person. Maybe some people just don’t like to be as expressive over text, which is fine, but I truly appreciate that consistency, mostly because I’m very similar. Consistency+ dependability = joy for everyone.
I also know that I enjoy people who are able to understand the importance of taking some things lightly — it’s absolutely important to take things seriously, which is why I have this blog, but it’s also necessary for me to be able to take things lightly, which is why I attempt to crack jokes on this blog. Learning to take things lightly has truly changed my life because I can smile, take a deep breath, and know that it’s going to get better. Plus, it allows for much better venting sessions because there’s this unspoken understanding that we both know it’s not actually that bad, but being a bit more dramatic about it can help with the venting. It’s difficult to explain, but basically, no energy vampires! And okay, this is maybe more about what I enjoy, but having standards and being happy both important!
Before I get a little too detailed about all of this, I urge you to think about the type of people you thrive around — look at the friends you have (for me this is important because I’m moving yet again and most of my friends are only accessible by FaceTime now) and the people who accept you and want you to be you. Not every friend has to be a best friend — maybe you have a gym friend, a friend you watch bad movies with, a friend you try different foods with, that kind of stuff. Once I accepted that fact, it made things a lot easier, but what’s made things much easier is weeding out the people I do not want to be around (by choice, since you can’t always choose your coworkers).
Alright, let me step off my soap box. Let’s get into some boundaries for friends, significant others, supervisors, mentees, you name it. For the most part I think it’s important to be aware of how you approach other people’s boundaries. Everyone is different, but I’ve come to realize that most people will show you their boundaries if you let them. I tend to approach things more cautiously, though, as to not scare them off, or to impress them or to show them I’m a good student/friend/partner. I don’t like being overwhelmed or pushed, so I suppose I do the same thing towards other people. Also, I guess this is more about personal boundaries because work boundaries are tough, because you can’t choose most of the people you’re around.
Testing boundaries does require a bit of pushing — of yourself and of others. It requires taking that deep breath to jump and trust that someone will accept you — and knowing that if they don’t, then maybe you don’t want to be around them. But it is often the only way to improve any type of relationship. This could mean a few things. First, it could be simply asking a question — “can I do this?” I’ve taken this a step too far by asking people “can I sit on this chair”, and they give me this absolutely strange look because, of course! I’m just odd like that. But asking questions like that puts me at ease because it tells me where we stand — and what type of person they are by the way they respond (and the way they respond when I sheepishly shrug for asking a dumb question). Second, it might mean doing things that confirm your level of relationship without even saying anything. For me, maybe that means sitting on their couch instead of that chair! Ha. Words and actions both matter, and making sure they match really matters to me.
Treading lightly is also important to me because it shows that you respect someone else’s space. Even if someone is extremely open, outgoing, and always willing to accept you — you don’t know if they will be until you get to know them. And maybe this is just my cautious nature, so I can’t speak for everyone, but I think it’s important, especially in newer friendships and relationships. Personally, I make friends extremely slowly…I can make a lot of acquaintances, but building deep friendships actually takes hard work. I love banter among friends, but I also love having tough conversations about life and love and war, or whatever. But you don’t always get there right away.
So here’s a thought. Instead of always expecting other people to speak up when we violate their boundaries…what if we changed things? What if we were a little more careful, a little more thoughtful, and much more intentional with our words and actions? Here’s another thought — what if we thought more about our standards and surrounded ourselves with the people who will propel us to be our best? What if we started saying no to mediocrity and okay-ish-ness, and saying yes to people that truly bring us joy? *insert quote about Marie Kondo*
(This was the first post in awhile where I felt like I had some newer content. A lot of my stuff recently has felt kinda forced, repetitive, and downright boring. I felt so good writing this and I am just…happy, finally.)
