I’ve realized that I have been spending endless hours on my phone, switching to different social media apps every few minutes just to feel like part of the world, because I truly do not feel like myself right now. You know when I do feel like myself? When I put my phone down. When I go on a walk or a run or a hike. When I go to the pool and read and meet new people. When I go out and run errands. When I write things. When I do the things I love without being attached to this world of make believe. Why do I want to spend so much time looking at what other people are up to while I’m doing nothing? The world is at my fingertips, but NOT on my phone screen.
I think I like looking at what other people do because it gives into my desire to just sit here and stew in my sadness, grief, and despair of having left a place and people I love. It’s probably true but totally okay if I don’t like this new place I moved to. But it doesn’t mean I won’t ever be able to love it. I’ve learned that people can really “make or break” the decision to love where you live, so instead of seeing what other people are up to in an entirely different city with different circumstances, I need to focus on myself again. I think spending time on my phone just tells me that it’s okay to hate where I am and not even try to enjoy it. But that’s not okay for who I see myself as and who I want to be.
I want to be that person who embraces hardship and the unknown. I do not know if I will learn to love where I am, but if I don’t even try, that would be my biggest failure. I want to be that person who embraces really tough times and knows it will make her stronger. I want to be that person who challenges herself physically and mentally to get better. See, I don’t have that hard a time pushing myself physically (relatively, because I do tend to give up somewhat easily on long runs but I’m working on it). But mentally, or in terms of self-control — of putting my phone down even for 5 minutes, or going to bed on time (the things that take discipline and a desire to be your best) — I struggle. And of course, the mental toughness gives way to a LOT of physical toughness.
The reality is that I haven’t been tough on myself. It’s not that I should punish myself, but I should reinforce my behaviors that I know I need (positive reinforcement not negative punishment!). But I’ve been saying “I’ll do that tomorrow…” and making excuses for my lazy behavior. I mean, it’s not easy moving across the country again, in a brand new place, with 800x more people that you’re used to, and leaving a place (and people and dogs) who you LOVE. Sure, my mental health is just…not doing great because of that, and I’m barely working while many other ATs are so I’m always doubting my purpose. But if I continue down this path, nothing is going to get better.
Self-love and self-care are not easy. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it’s being hard on yourself and not letting yourself get away with being lazy and undisciplined. Sometimes it’s pushing yourself to do something that sucks now, but will help you in the long run. I often think, so what if I wake up at 6am? Who’s going to care? Will it matter? Why don’t I just sleep in until I feel terrible because it’s 11am and I’ve wasted my day? Well, I’ll care. I’ll know. I’ll know that I’m not giving myself the optimal care that I urge everyone around me to do. If I know my best sleep schedule (which is sleeping from about 11–7), then why am I ignoring it? If I know my head pounds when I go to bed because I spend hours on my phone, why am I doing it?
I guess I just don’t want it enough. I’ve been okay with being soft on myself because it’s just easier. But easier doesn’t mean better. More efficient doesn’t always mean better if the quality is lost along the way. Well, I want “it”. I want to be happier, healthier, and more satisfied with the way I’m living my life instead of wallowing in self-pity everyday. Yes, some things suck — but time will heal a lot of things. I’ll get through it because I have to, and now, I want to.
I don’t know what my next step is, but I do know that I need change. No more bingeing hours and hours of Gossip Girl. If I do a home workout, no TV, just music or a podcast. I’ll read later at night instead of watching tons of tv. I’ll plug my phone in on the other side of the room (or at least far away enough that I have to get out of bed to get there). And more. And I don’t have to do all of this at once, but these are things I’ve only been “meaning to do”. I absolutely have to change things. I say I feel like I don’t have purpose, well then, why don’t I start doing things that give me a purpose! Optimize my schedule and my life, so that I can feel comfortable giving other people similar advice. If I pride myself on doing what I say and practicing what I preach, it’s time to LIVE IT. I can’t feel sorry for myself anymore. It’s time to be tougher on myself.
