I thought I’d lead this story off by saying I had an awful day at work today (trust me, it’s important! Somewhat!). It seemed like everything I did was just…wrong. Some were honest mistakes, some were moments of creativity that were actually stupidity (see also: doing things before thinking them through), and I don’t know what else there was. But I was kicking myself every time I turned, and it has led to a tough night of negative words + thoughts towards myself.
Realistically, it probably wasn’t that bad. I can’t say I made a great first impression, but my friend pointed something out to me. He said “you’re still learning”, which is true. He did make it seem like once I got out of grad school and this “young professional” age, I’d be fine. But I realized that it was not only false, but it was also not what I wanted. I want to learn things no matter how old or experienced I am. I’ve always said to just “do better next time”. I want to stick to that, no matter how difficult it is to tear myself away from the negative words of “you suck”, “no one likes you”, “you’ll never be good enough” (also, to remember that not everyone is going to like you and that’s ok, as long as you’re trying not to be a jerk!).
So why did that lead me to thinking about representation? It’s not an easy answer, but an important one.
In the Chinese-American community I grew up in (this is specific to the East Coast, in the suburban outside-of-Philly area — there’s a lot of us), there was a lot of pressure to be perfect. Yes, from parents — but thankfully not my parents. While I didn’t necessarily succumb to that community pressure and while I told myself I didn’t care what other people thought of me…I did. I just thought it was funny that people cared what I studied in school and defined my success by my title. No, sorry, I will not be a doctor of physical therapy (not knocking it, it’s just definitely not for me). I will be an athletic trainer…and I want to be a great one. And I will enjoy life as I do it.
So I pretended the pressure didn’t get to me…but it really did, but not a lot of people saw that frustration. I hated that I got average grades, but instead of working harder, I gave up. I entered a phase of apathy towards school and a lot of other things. I also entered a phase of rebellion, or so I thought, because I played a rather untraditional sport that made me rather untraditionally…not skinny, for example. Also, I did chores — apparently some parents didn’t have their kids do chores so they could study??
And so that pressure still gets to me today. I suppose my personality is very strict and unrelenting in general, but again — that’s genetics AND the environment playing a part. So who knows how much each part contributed…thankfully, that’s not the point. The point is that I suffer immensely when I make mistakes like I did today, and it takes me much longer to forgive myself when others have already forgiven or forgotten.
I’m not saying this is unique to the Chinese-American, first-generation immigrant culture. I’m saying that this is a very big deal in the culture I was raised in.
I do realize now that it’s important to look to the future and tell yourself that you’re not going to let the past interfere. But to some extent, that past self will always be a part of you. Figuring out what to do with it is the real challenge. And that’s where I am now.
The second reason I thought about culture and representation is the way I deal with athletes who have illnesses, the non-musculoskeletal ones. I am terrible at that. It’s not that I don’t get sick, it’s that I virtually take no medicines when I’m sick, except for Advil when I have a fever. Although, I went through a small phase in college when I decided to try taking Advil Cold + Sinus and Mucinex, and I think I recovered at the same rate as if I hadn’t taken them. Also, it felt uncomfortable to even do that. When I was growing up, we just sucked it up, drank hot tea with ginger + honey + lemon, and stuck green onions up our noses to help if they were runny. We ate pretty healthy so we didn’t get sick much, and our parents essentially didn’t believe in Western medicine.
Fast forward to my clinical rotations in college. I absolutely dreaded when our athletes would come in sniffling, sick, or reporting some sort of discomfort like that. First of all, I rarely take my temperature anymore — I know my body well enough to not need to if I’m feverish enough to stay home (hope that made sense). So those weird new thermometers that you put across the forehead and behind the ear — what?? And I hated it mostly because I would open up the medicine cabinet and just stare at it. How could I ask for help for something so simple? Something that other people find so easy?
It was embarrassing. I felt like I was in elementary school again, with people intrigued enough to look at my lunch only to laugh at it. I felt so different. I don’t like feeling different in that way (because of the way I was raised and the culture I grew up in). Even though that absolutely was NOT true. In fact, it was worse that I just stared at the cabinet and didn’t ask for help. I could have asked for help, but instead, I chose to listen to the one person who sniggered at the fact that I didn’t know what medicines to use. I wasn’t stupid… I was just completely new to this world of medicine, I argued in my head.
But at the same time, since when is it okay to shy away from a part of your job because you’ve never personally experienced it that much? So I wrestled with that part for months. I couldn’t seem to figure out what to do.
I still don’t really know what to do. But I do know the first step has to be allowing myself to look a little stupid…and asking someone I trust.
So let me get back on topic. Why does representation matter?
Imagine looking around your work life and seeing someone who understands what you went through…the things you grew up with, the community you were surrounded by, the people who hurt you, and of course, the people who supported you. Not to say that being Asian-American is the only requirement to understanding my specific experience…there are so many different experiences that you can’t really put them into one category. But I suppose I’d like to define it as “otherness”.
But just IMAGINE that. Having people who will listen to you and your concerns because they know what it’s like (and they genuinely listen because they WANT to). People who you want to listen to because they can teach you an unbelievable amount. Representation isn’t important just so we feel safe in our communities, it’s so that we can become our best selves. It’s important because it can help create the best thinkers, motivators, innovators…and we will discover the people who will send their respective career paths into the next century. And not just in technology, but in empathy, emotional health, that sort of stuff (especially for the health care fields…understanding pain is complex, for example). Just having a listening ear or a chance to prove yourself is sometimes all you need to become an incredible human.
Representation is important so we can know we’re not alone in what we do, and most importantly — feel. There are specific things that first-generation Chinese-Americans can understand about my life. There are still things that 3rd-generation Filipino-Americans can understand about my life…it may not be as specific, but it’s still there. How wonderful is that? And I want to try so hard to understand how life is for other ethnicities. I know as an East Asian, I have certain privileges. And I plan not to put those to waste.
I suppose you could say representation is important because empathy is important. And often times, that’s how we get empathy. And especially if we’re in an area that’s very homogenous and not very diverse — we almost need that more, because we feel like we’re so…alone (but don’t get me wrong, the people here are SO nice). It’s not a bad thing to need empathy. We need to learn how to stand on our own, and sometimes that leads to a path for others like us to pursue in the future — but we also need to accept help and feel supported.
That’s why I feel like representation matters. It’s seriously life-changing knowing that other people are on your side. It’s amazing to know that other people have done it, and you know you can too. It’s beautiful to see people achieve things you never imagined. It’s heartwarming to see how other minority lives have been touched by their role models and “past representatives”, I guess you could call it. It seems like it’s a very emotional approach to representation, but I argue that this direction is needed if we want to become better, happier humans and make the world a better place.
Every new experience I get in this field teaches me so many things — and I swear I get to learn about representation and diversity each time as well. I wouldn’t trade it for anything…not even all the tears and the cold palm sweat. Although I would love to trade my negative, panicky thoughts…I’m working on it! For now — I’m feeling encouraged and I’m going to do better tomorrow.
