I started with the word “go-getter”, then also added “weirdo”, and “loner”, and wanted to add “jaded at times” and “old” and “funny”, and now I don’t know where I am. I mean, I’m all of those things. But I haven’t written something in awhile so I guess this is just reflections from the past few months or so, and I’ve left myself untitled because I’m not sure what I am just yet. I am about to embark on the 4th and final year of my PhD (and my 10th year of higher education), and I truly feel like I’ve grown so much and am learning even more about myself and the world. And maybe this is just some advice for newer PhD students, or for anyone just figuring it out, or maybe just a reminder to myself that everything is going to work out.
- There is no “should”. You literally do not have to do a single thing that anyone asks you, ever. So it just depends on what you want. I want to get my PhD, so when people ask to be in my research study, I say yes. But I also want some down time to myself, so I don’t say yes to everything else. I am reading a book on boundaries currently, and it’s been wonderful to see that I am on the right track. Not the perfect track, but I’m getting there.
- Be yourself and absolutely no one else. You hear this a lot, but I think it is even more essential for people who are more lone wolves, like me. I’m not trying to self-proclaim this because I think it’s cool, but I genuinely just am a little bit eccentric and weird, and I just kind of have always been on my own a lot. I don’t know if it’s by choice, by fear, by anxiety, or what, but that’s just how it’s always been. And recently I spoke to someone who actually is very similar to me, and she understood, and it felt very good.
- Rely on your friends and your support system. Maybe I have different definitions of friendship compared to other people, but doing this has been insanely difficult. As time goes on I kind of feel like I just shrink further into this dark hole and I have to stop doing that.
- Your relationships and friendships and situations and choices and decisions do not have to look like anyone else’s. Just because everyone else is constantly hanging out around others and attached at the hip to their friends, it doesn’t mean you have to be. I fight that in my head all the time, then I go do something on my own. And then I miraculously feel better, for the most part, because I’ve gotten the adequate mental and physical rest I need. Who knows if that’s just me making excuses in my head, but it’s fine.
- You don’t have to have it all figured out. Whatever “it” is.
- You will end up where you’re supposed to be, even if there’s a period of uncertainty or extreme difficulty before that. This is more of a reminder for me. Time and time again, I’ve ended up where I’ve needed to, and where I deserve to be. Didn’t get into grad school? Got an MLS internship, a dream at the time. Then, because I moved to Utah, I got into grad school out there where I got to do a research project I was absolutely passionate about. Pandemic? Got a job where I was a strength coach for a year, a dream. Fall sports cancelled? Decided to get my PhD at UVA, one of the best sports medicine graduate programs in the world. Graduating with my PhD… we’ll see! Part of me is scared, but honestly, I think most of me just wants to figure it out already, so I’m trying to just stay in the present and learn all the lessons that you have to in your PhD.
- If you’ve had a decent childhood with no big traumatic moments, it can feel like you’re not allowed to talk about “trauma responses”, or let your past patterns and experiences dictate some of your thoughts and actions and fears. But you can. That’s the thing. Everything we all experience is valid, but it is very important to talk about these things. I think it lets other people know who are struggling with “not enough trauma” that it’s ok to feel that way. The other thing is to manage them with therapy. It’s not that we have to take responsibility for things we didn’t necessarily do, but it’s important to find the balance between just letting it infiltrate your whole life and shutting it all out.
- In the same sense, don’t use your past traumas as an excuse to be a mean person, or to be judgmental, and most importantly — not as an excuse to be scared to try something.
- Trying to control a situation or another person will pretty much not get you want you want. In fact, you’ll probably get the opposite of what you want. Letting it happen and controlling the response is of course the way to go, but it’s easier said than done. I often will do oodles of work on the front end to potentially avoid possible outcomes. But the thing with that is you’ll never know if it pays off, because anything can happen no matter what you do. So like. Why do that??
- When you start to feel decision fatigue, bring it back to the basics. Be objective. Like, there are Sundays where I don’t know what I should do, so I sit on my couch for way too long before I decide. Instead, “What do I actually need to do today?” Answer, probably: grocery shop. Then, I could just do it first. Then, “what are things that would help me feel good about the work week coming up?” Answer: yoga/workout, stop watching tv so late into the night. Then, “what is an extra fun thing I could do?” Answer: nothing. I was reminded of this recently when I asked a question about my research study, and my advisor just said “go back and look at what you wrote. Then just do that”. And that was that. She wasn’t going to tell me exactly what to do, because it’s really time for me to start deciding things for myself. I am training to become an independent scientist, and as hard as it is sometimes, I appreciate the opportunities to practice my decision-making. Even for the smallest things.
- Learn how to do nothing, sometimes. You don’t always have to be on. You don’t always have to be moving your brain. But, sometimes, if you have the kind of brain that can’t stop moving no matter what you try, you just might need some extra help, and that’s ok.
- Use your turn signals and your brain. Don’t FaceTime or read a book while you drive. If you want to drive that close to me, buy me dinner first.
- When things are really hard and you start to cry because you’re overwhelmed, remember to laugh. Sometimes things can be so awful that it becomes funny how awful they are. You can think about funny things like “no one ever said you had to do a PhD, Jen”, and “how silly is it that your A/C is broken in your car during the hottest week of the year and you can’t get it fixed for 10 more days!” Stuff like that. It doesn’t immediately make everything better, but it makes you take yourself and life a little less seriously, and I think we all need that sometimes.
- Things don’t have to “be fine”. The other day I was talking to my therapist about something annoying me but then I kept saying “but it’s fine”. And she stopped me and reminded me of something — it’s not fine. It doesn’t have to be fine. I don’t have to be fine. I can just be annoyed and I don’t have to defend it or explain it or figure it out. Doesn’t mean I’m going to act impulsively and shout about my annoyance, but it can just be there. And if feeling a bad emotion is feeling “fine”, then what does actually feeling fine mean?? I don’t know. Just a thought.
There’s not really a theme to this, but I guess these are things I’ve struggled with over the past few months. I knew PhD school would get harder, and people will always tell you that, but it doesn’t really hit you until it really hits you. And then you feel like you’ve been hit by an RV. One of those fancy ones that are nicer and larger than my current apartment. It kinda also feels like I’m drowning, and just trying to get that gasp of fresh air — but I know it’ll pass. Even on my hard days, I love what I do. I also…chose this. I chose every single thing I’m doing, so I can only be mad at myself — but I don’t have the time for that, so here I am. Just trying to figure it out one day at a time, because if I look ahead any more, I will probably cry, and not be able to laugh.
