For chronic worriers, this pandemic has been…probably great and terrible all at the same time. Let me explain. I am no stranger to uncertain situations and change, and I’m working on reframing the situations to process them more easily…but I have been running from uncertainty for what feels like years. Once I graduated undergrad (only 3 years ago, but it still feels like forever ago…), I have been struggling to feel like I am a real and functioning human adult. It’s simple enough to say that “I need to be more mindful and sit in the present”, but it’s much harder to actually do it.
I’ve spent 3 years always looking at the next thing — applying to grad school, almost not getting into grad school a second time, applying for jobs. It’s like I was drowning but somehow was still clinging to life (which is ironic because I played water sports) by just barely getting used to a situation before I was pushed to the next step in life. Here’s my next step: I received and took a job offer a few weeks ago and I’m so excited — it’s going to be a wonderful experience for me. I’m moving to a part of the country I’ve never even been to, working in a new setting, and being pushed out of my comfort zone but in so many good ways. That all sounds excellent.
Enter: pandemic. The most uncertain, unknown state I’ve ever been in. At first it wasn’t terrible because I could hide behind inaction. I could just sit on my couch and stare at the TV and not feel guilty because I could finally breathe from being burnt out. I thought to myself, my mental health is great — no more stress, no more people I have to talk to all day. But at some point I hit a wall that I’ve been staring at for a few weeks now. I’m staying up extremely late, sleeping until 2pm while waking up every few hours, and I’m not going to bed until I’m straight up exhausted and my phone is falling out of my hand as I nod off (this is one of my usual signs of struggles with mental health — I don’t trust myself to be able to sleep without being exhausted). I’m working out sporadically, my body hurts all the time (from lack of recovery and lack of movement), but I feel no desire to do anything.
I think it’s due to a few reasons. First, I like I have no purpose. I learned recently that it’s a good idea to give dogs a purpose when you’re training them so they don’t get depressed (or something like this). Thankfully, schoolwork/research has given me one small thing to do, but I almost just want the next step of life to happen right away instead of having to wait 2–3 months. It’s different, at least I have my next step…but I have no idea how this pandemic is going to unfold/affect the process, and that is the scariest thing. While the fear hasn’t paralyzed me, it’s bubbling beneath the surface and it unconsciously affects all the decisions I make. Or more likely, the ones I don’t make.
Now, here’s the thing. We all know that discipline is more important than motivation at times. Well, looks like I have neither right now. I’m confused. I pride myself on always wanting to learn new things, reading books, listening to seminars, improving myself. But I haven’t touched any of those things because it’s so much easier to watch TV and spend time in another world than focus on the truth in this one. For the first time in a really long time I feel like I’ve become what I hate.
I’ve never been one to do nothing. I might take a pause for a day or two, but then I’m back at it — solving problems, finding projects, asking questions. I’m never scared to admit that I’m struggling with things but right now, I really am. I’m being told that it’s okay if I don’t come out of this pandemic with 8 new degrees and other cool new stuff — but my colleagues are completing their continuing education credits, evaluating athletes and giving them rehabs, and working on so many new things. I have a need to be the best — even if I’m not, my effort needs to be 110%, greater than everyone else. So if I can’t give it all, I sometimes don’t give any, which is a very poor way of looking at life in some ways.
All or nothing can be great when it comes to relationships, a job, or some other specific things, but when it comes to effort, discipline, motivation, and the like, it can be bad. If I only give a little effort for a small, 30-minute “movement” session, I don’t feel like it’s enough, I always have to do more. But that’s stupid! It is enough! It is more than nothing, and it’s a start.
So maybe that’s it. It may be time to start looking at even the smallest items as victories. I don’t need to worry about what other people are doing. I don’t need to worry about what they think of me, because I mean, I’m at home, so…no one really knows what I’m up to unless I choose to share it. I have spent a very, very long time focusing on what I need to do to get to the next step that I haven’t given myself any time — even going to therapy throughout grad school was just an attempt to prepare me for the next step, it wasn’t nearly enough about just improving myself.
I have one project right now, and that is to finish editing my research paper, which is quite fun when I get into it. My other project? Learning how to enjoy things again and not putting pressure on myself to have the perfect schedule right now. Sleep would be a wonderful place to start because it’s something that heavily affects me specifically. Maybe just shutting off the tv and other noises for a little bit, sitting on the porch in the early evening and reading a book I’ve been meaning to — all my library books have been due for a few days now so I’m going to get those out of the way first. Part of me wants to jump right into a new challenge of having a perfectly regimented schedule, but maybe small things like…not sitting on my phone for an hour after I wake up is a good place to start. Just small things.
This was lots of rambling. I kind of hate it, but I also know that it was necessary for me. I still don’t know if I can fully articulate how I’m feeling but this is a good place to start. Off to workout. I got this.
