I think about Friends, when they all give back their keys and close that purple door with the frame on it and the camera zooms out. How I Met Your Mother, when Ted & Robin are finally together and…that’s that. The Office, when they slowly zoom out on the building to sad music and it’s just…all over. Or when you’re watching the E! Network and there’s a commercial signaling the end of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Ahh yes, all the brilliant shows…the ends of eras.
Well, also on Friends when Rachel is moving out of the apartment and tells Monica that it’s the end of an era and bursts into tears. It stands true for me today, as it’s time for me to hang up my khaki pants and baseball hat and sunglasses as an athletic trainer, and go off into the world of…well, I’m not sure what PhD students wear. I have yet to figure that out.
I’m not sure how I feel right now. A little bit hollow, knowing that I could have done better as an athletic trainer these past 4 years, though I didn’t really know it at the time. A little bit excited for the next chapter, the ability to pursue mentorship, have a decent schedule, and have time for myself. A bit terrified for the statistics courses, self-directed demands I’ll have to make as a researcher, and adjusting to snow again. A bit confused because I don’t feel as sad as I think I should to be “done”. A bit worried that I’m not going to be good enough. A bit concerned that I haven’t secured housing. A bit unsure that this is still happening, because who would want me! — is something I continue to think, as I’m still in eternally grateful disbelief.
The other day I watched “We Are the Champions” on Netflix. I love learning about quirky sports and passions that people have, so it was perfect for me. The first episode was Cooper Hill’s Cheese-Rolling in the UK — the 3-time female champion of the race was being introduced, and it started with her diving into a beautiful body of water. She came up for air and talked about how adults often lose the ability to play like kids, with this big grin on her face — the same exact kind of grin I know I have when I’m out on the trails, climbing on logs and splashing in the water. She was asked why she decided to throw herself down a disgustingly steep hill, and with an impossibly bigger grin on her face, she answered that you have to do things that scare you.
I could have sworn she was speaking to me. Watching her smile and talk about not forgetting to play and be happy, and talk about doing things that scare you — chills up and down the spine, literally. I smiled to myself and knew that I was making the right choice. I mean, I have always known, currently know, and will continue to know that I am making the right choice, as this is all I’ve ever wanted. But this just added to it. If there are loads of people in the UK who throw themselves down a hill chasing a small-ish wheel of cheese, then why can’t I move to Virginia, change the course of my career,, and hopefully change the field of sports medicine?
I guess I’ll be working to educate people to be where I’ve been the past 4 years. I’ll still be an athletic trainer…but mostly at heart, and not necessarily in my specific job duties. It’s a weird hybrid mix and I don’t know why I’m speaking as if I know what it’s going to be like. The beauty of this is that I have absolutely no idea what I’m in for. Isn’t that just one of the most interesting ways to live your life?
I’m sure more emotions will come up as I get closer to the date of my departure. I’m not a stranger to knowing I’m about to move in a few months, I guess I’ve done that nonsense a few times now. It doesn’t really get any easier, though, it kind of just gets harder because I get reminded of all the past times that I had to completely change my life. Who would have thought that this, would happen twice in a pandemic, within a year? Not me, that’s for sure, but now that I’m here I wouldn’t have it any other way.
