Today’s lessons: automatic negative thoughts & imposter syndrome. Then, I got to practice it.

That’s right, folks, I had a nervous breakdown or panic attack or whatever you want to call it last night in class. Looking back, all the signs were there for that type of breakdown: not wanting to eat which for me = actual stress, too much coffee which is not good for someone quite susceptible to stimulants, and some road rage I was not proud of. I’ve been handling some incredibly frustrating back tightness from playing water polo again & I haven’t felt discomfort like this in so long! I don’t even like to use the word “pain” because bad things are associated with that in my head.

The irony of all of this is that I went to a seminar for PhD students about our strengths & not limiting ourselves to just our weaknesses just an hour before this class tonight. I tend to feel good about this personal growth stuff because it’s very fun for me to discuss, so I didn’t think much of it. We discussed how we often immediately jump to negative thoughts & we even took home papers about the different types of negative thinking. We also discussed the prevalence of imposter syndrome, recently aptly renamed “imposter fears” as to not label it a syndrome, and how these thoughts can really tear us down.

Then I went to class and simply broke down because I was putting this pressure on myself to know everything when that’s not possible. I was also taking the easy way out in terms of learning — I was convinced I had tried hard enough, but I had done the bare minimum — I watched lecture videos on 1.5 speed and lazily took notes. I didn’t realize it at the time. But after a lot of thinking, I realized a lot of things about myself:

1. I like to solve problems a little too much. I mean there’s nothing wrong with solving problems, but sometimes I get obsessive and I start to look for problems that aren’t even there. I do not recommend this tactic.
2. Sleep leads to less stress. Which leads to eating enough. Which leads to less pain & more fuel. Which leads to feeling better & being able to sleep more. Which leads to less stress :)
3. I’m re-learning how to learn. I forgot how to learn. I forgot that tougher topics tend to take more time to learn them. I forgot that I shouldn’t give up so easily. I forgot that I might need to try again, and maybe even try a new technique. Learning is not always a one-way street, and there are multiple routes to get to the end goal. And, the fastest route doesn’t always work the best.
4. Maybe I’m more adaptable than I thought. Lately I’ve taken a few personality/strengths assessments and they’ve all steered me in directions I didn’t think made sense. My Enneagram even changed over the past few years, though I have noticed that I’m very much between a type 1 (my original type that made more sense) and 4, it simply depends on my stressors. Essentially I’ve seen myself as very rigid, because I don’t really like unexpected things popping up — and I do like following the rules & just doing what you’re supposed to do, and being in control of situations. But I think I’ve grown in my flexibility and my ability to just “live in the moment”. I still like to plan things, but I’m getting better at “allowing” stuff to change. I’ll keep exploring this bit.
5. Telling people they just need to work harder when they fail actually teaches them to avoid failure. It tells them that there’s always something they could have done to avoid said failure, so the failure is entirely their fault. The truth is, that person could have given 100%, but still failed for any number of given reasons aside from themselves. It teaches a detrimental cycle of self-blame that isn’t always justified. It definitely depends on how someone comes out the other side, though. If they realize they didn’t work hard enough & use it as motivation to work harder next time, great! But if they use it to beat themselves up, not great.
6. I’m extremely mean to myself. I’m wondering how to get out of this mindset. It’ll take practice. Recognition, more positive thoughts daily & just in general, and most importantly — not getting upset with myself over the fact that I’m upset at myself. I actually practiced some affirmations today while cleaning up after breakfast — I told myself that my back pain is going to get better.
7. Coasting is for losers! I don’t want to just get by, or just make it. However, I also don’t want to destroy myself to do that, so I’ll find a compromise. I want to learn everything so I can be a good independent researcher when I “grow up” (aka graduate)
8. Crying is just crying. It’s ok. Some people just cry really easily when any emotions are present, whether it’s positive or negative. Unfortunately it’s not often well-accepted, so I’m recognizing that I do need a balance — I can leave the room or situation, etc.
9. One failure doesn’t mean you’re automatically a complete & unequivocal failure. It will not make or break you. You will have to be the person to tell yourself this and accept it, though. You have to believe it yourself.
10. Your support system is extremely important. Find the people you can talk to about your issues without judgment, but you have to recognize that they’re just people too. You can’t just keep piling on, but you also have to trust that they will be there for you. A tough line to walk, but I don’t think I will survive my PhD program without it.
11. Recognizing my habits when I’m super anxious and possibly headed towards some type of breakdown is important. For me, feeling unable to settle down at night & even waking up with a racing heartbeat. Also, not wanting to eat at all is a big sign for me, especially when I know I’m normally hungry. I can’t prevent everything from happening of course, but I can be more self-aware and help myself out.

At the end of the day, this tough moment was very tough, but it also was a learning opportunity & I will certainly not waste it.