First, control.
This is my number one problem. I think being in control is good. Being in control of yourself, for example. But needing to control everything around you all the time is never good. This time I will say it’s never good, because you can’t truly control everything around you. The universe just does not work that way! And you set yourself up for failure if you expect to be able to control everything.
I think I have been doing a better job, but I also know that what I’m currently doing work-wise is not going to last much longer, so I think I’m okay with just letting things happen now. But it is complex — knowing you want to be in control, knowing that you cannot be in control all the time, and knowing when you are in fact, not in control. There are a lot of moving parts and it requires a lot of self-awareness.
Next, doubting my knowledge as an athletic trainer — with a caveat. So it’s been really easy to doubt myself, but admitting that I’m not always right is actually an important step with this kind of thing. For example, I tried to push a kid back to his sport a little too quickly because I either wasn’t thinking as clearly, wasn’t asking for help from coworkers enough, or I learned information after making those decisions that made me re-think the plan. But if I kept insisting that I was right, and kept plugging ahead with my original plan, it would not go well. It definitely depends how you frame it, because I aim to make the best decision with the available information — and that decision may change as more information shows up.
The key is that the doubt can provide you with some pertinent information — is your doubt just some classic over-thinking, or is it telling you to take a second look? So there is always a place for doubt, but it should not show up in every single decision you have to make, because you need to be able to trust your clinical decision making. This is a somewhat sensitive topic but I’ve had a tough time trusting myself before — and knowing when to ask for more help.
What else? Jealousy and anger over someone else getting to live their best life, one that I think I should have. It sounds absolutely nuts — but I miss the mountains, the trails, the sunsets, the warmth of the sun, the dirt roads and the freedom in Utah. Life is a lot simpler when your neighbors are happier. I see a lot of people who get to stay there and I am not angry at them…I simply wonder if I made a mistake, or why I am not allowed to have that. But those are just easy feelings to latch onto. I know that I am making the right choices, even if they don’t feel like the easiest choices at this moment in time. I mean, we choose our hard, right? It’s time to stop this kind of thinking and live my best life.
Then, this idea that I am defined by my weight. I guess I don’t really “look” like the amount that I weigh, in the way that typical people at my height/weight do (5'4" and ~173). Everyone is quite surprised when I tell them and it frustrates me. I just don’t feel like I make sense. I go back and forth because sometimes I wish I could be so much smaller, and sometimes I feel like I need to be much bigger because I’m not strong enough. The thing is, anyone can struggle with body image, and body image in the Asian community can be a very touchy subject. I’m just lucky that though my mom thinks I have “too much muscle”, she still supports me as long as I am always thinking of my health in terms of longevity (ex. with my heart/cholesterol), which I often am! It could definitely be worse. But it is definitely still tough!
Lastly because it is 12:23am and I am getting tired…all of my non-minimalist shoes :) I am on my way! I just bought a pair of Lems Boulder Boots from someone (if you do not know what they are, I just think they are one of the most fashionable boots out there right now for my style! I don’t think I have the right style to wear those fancy knee high boots, for example), and I am going to toss (well, donate, I guess) 2 pairs of boots that I no longer want to wear. While I would love to sell my shoes (and I may try to but I doubt it), letting go of my “foot coffins” sort of feels like a way to let go of the past. I have officially reached the point of not being able to wear non-minimalist shoes!
